“I just don’t want her to grow up co-dependent like I was. I always had a boyfriend as a teen and it was exhausting. I really hope to help foster a healthy independence and confidence in her.”
“I feel like I’m an enabler with my children…I want to give them what I didn’t have as a child. But, at the same time I don’t want them to see the world with rose colored glasses, only to realize it’s a lot tougher out there in adult life.”
“I’m a helicopter mom. I must have control. Nothing bad is going to happen to my children on my watch. If something bad does happen, I’ll be there to do the fixing. I’ve got this. Kids, step aside.”
“Discipline. It’s all about effective discipline. These kids need to feel pain when they make mistakes.”
Do any of these musings sound familiar to you?
I get asked a lot as a therapist, “What is the secret on how to raise children who can get through life’s difficulties?”
Resilience.
It’s the term used to tell how well an individual can get through hard times.
It’s vital.
When we speak to our parenting… the phrase, “when I was a child…” is often casually shared. Why do you think this is?
Possibly because childhood is the most crucial time of our lives regarding brain development. The way we were treated in childhood matters and can affect us the rest of our lives. Every single happening or relationship we live through is stored in our subconscious.
Parenthood is a trigger to our own childhood. Good, bad or indifferent. We can choose to keep some of the practices of our parents, or develop our own.
In my own journey throughout motherhood I have taken many different stances in hopes to find out just the right recipe to raise a resilient child. Sometimes it was the book I was reading, or the friends I would be around, or the church or bible study I would attend that would align my focus. There have also been obvious hurdles, life changes if you will, that have thrown wrenches in my plan to be the best mom I could be. But great practice in the way of building resilience.
“What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.”
-Ecclesiastes 1:9
So, as I sat and pondered these thoughts, I realized that there actually is somewhat of a recipe on how to raise resilient children across the board…no matter what the circumstance. Here is my compilation backed by research. Please keep in mind there are many other factors to parenting and to this topic. These are simply my top 5 in developing resilience:
- Unconditional Love (Faith).Love will take your children further than anything else in life. If I had to stop somewhere in this post. This would be it. It’s effects are immeasurable.During the formative years while a child’s brain is developing, bonding and attachment are crucial. Love, connection, and affirmation help the brain to develop healthy pathways for healthy relationships and for emotional and cognitive functioning. Children need unconditional love because they are learning. Many mistakes children make are due to the natural effect of childhood ignorance. They need to feel accepted regardless of their achievements. They also need to know that they are loved no matter what choices they make.The bible (which is the best book on cognitive behavioral therapy I know of) emphasizes love. When Jesus laid is life down for us because of our sins, He created the perfect pathway to an unconditional loving relational existence. I truly believe that is why we see such a huge change in ourselves and in individuals who become saved. It was and is His supernatural love and grace. I’m convinced.Friends, it is very important to ask our children that good old phrase, “What would Jesus do?”, rather than, “What would Jesus think!” Just like grace changed everything…One word differentiates developing Christ-like character between nonexistent condemnation and works for love. This will be a huge factor in the way our children take (or leave) their faith into adulthood. It will also be a huge determinant in establishing resilience for life.“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
-1 Corinthians 13:13If you are going to fault in parenting, fault in loving too much.2. The Village.
God, immediate family, extended family, neighbors, friends, the church, pastors, counselors, teachers, coaches, and anyone else in between wiling to be an encouragement to your child matters. Social support is so valuable to our self-esteem, resilience, and motivation. Human existence is relational for a reason…we were never meant to do life alone. Feeling supported makes a world of difference. Research supports that if we have just one meal together a day as a family (it doesn’t matter which meal or if every family member is there), we build resilience in our children.
“ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” Luke 10:27
A dear friend had an amazing idea when her daughters turned 16. She invited all the women who were a part of their childhood to a luncheon. These women shared stories of watching them grow, gave wisdom, encouragement, and made a pledge to always be there for them as they continued into adult life. Just typing this has me in tears. If those women gathered around a child isn’t a beautiful image… just wow.
If you can think of “that person” in your childhood that truly rejoiced your existence, you were the benefactor of such sacrificial love. On a side note, to be an adult like this in the life of a child is a huge honor – you will be savored and remembered for a lifetime.
3. Help Them Find “Their Thing”.
When a child feels accomplished in doing something they enjoy it builds them up and gives them purpose. It also helps them find their village and sheds light on their identity. This could be a sport, an art, a musical instrument, etc. God gifts us all differently…what a blessing it is to see his masterpieces at work.
I’ll never forget the change that occurred when my Gabby found “her thing” in volleyball. Excuse the pun, but it was a game changer. Her confidence soared, her mood lifted, she came out of her shell and made many friends and continues to do so. I strongly encourage any parent to help their child navigate what they would enjoy and feel good at doing.
- Take thoughts (and Feelings) Captive. Feelings can take us on a joyride or not so joyous ride. We simply cannot trust them. God’s word and turning on our left brain (just the facts ma’am) help give us the big picture. If something is bothering our child, we need to ask them for the evidence that supports how they are feeling to train them how not to go down the rabbit trail of endless worry.When tough times come about, our feelings can exasperate the situation, causing more unneeded stress. If we can help hone in the feelings that need validated and weed out the ones that are untrustworthy, we are fostering resilience in our children.“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
-2 Corinthians 10:5Now, if we can only do this for ourselves, right? The struggle is very real, my friends. Hand. Is. Raised.An example would be:Child: “I feel like everyone hates me!” Mom: “That must feel awful, what is the evidence that everyone hates you?” Child: “Sydney didn’t sit by me at lunch!” Mom: “Who did sit by you at lunch?” Child: “Sarah and Taryn.” Mom: “Hmm…do you feel they hate you?” Child: “No.” Mom: “Well, what does that tell you about your feeling that everyone hates you?” Child: “I guess not everyone hates me…but Sydney must.” Mom: “Why do you think Sydney didn’t sit at your table today?” Child: “She was upset I invited Taryn to sit with us.” Mom: “Ahhh…so I wonder if Sydney was jealous and didn’t know what to do with that feeling so she sat somewhere else?”You get the jest.5. Laughter.Ahhh, Hi there friend. You’ve seen me through a lot. Please hang out with my children for the rest of their lives.
There is so much healing in this universal language. It can lift us up unlike anything else. It fosters a positive attitude, a good sense of humor, and is contagious.
The gift of laughter.
“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” -Proverbs 31:25
If you can teach your children to look for the humor in life, that light will follow them through life’s valleys and seriously dark places. Laughter is a free means of an escape into candid mindfulness. It reminds us that things won’t stay bad forever. Am I saying to laugh when we are in the pit? Absolutely. Laughter has followed me into the hospice room, delivery room, and in sessions with clients. It’s not the crazy kind of laughter you might be scratching your head about.., it’s the laughter that says, we have no other place to go than up so we might as well laugh our way out of here…
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